i want to be scared of food. I want to be afraid of the calories. I want to be terrrified of people watching me eat. I want to be so concerned and petrified of unwanted, unneccesary, unneeded calories, that bingeing and purging isnt even a question. Its an automatic NO. I want to get to the place where i just CANT allow myself to eat. I just cant. I want to get to the point where i forget what it feels like to be full. I forget how it feels to actually enjoy food. I want to just love being hungry. love being empty all the time. love being in constant control over my body, mind, money, and calories. control over my life.
when i was like this, i was not happy, but was more in control with my life than ever before. i was more pleased and relieved with what i saw in the mirror..more than i ever thought would happen. I got great results, and became addicted to the results. how great is that!?

i want that again.