i am home.
today was bad, but that was okay.
i told my parents what i will be eating, and the foods i will not be eating while at home.

i am going to be working my ass off..
and i mean literally.
i am starting to train for a half marathon,
so between my running schedule, and then weight lifting, i should be losing weight like crazy.
if not, i know i need to alter my diet.

this summer i have no job, and nothing i need or have to do.
i need to concentrate and work harder on losing weight than ever before.

i will run every morning, and than do some kind of workout, with weights and more cardio at night or late afternoon.

i will track my progress here.
wish me luck!

i am no longer going to put up with this.
i am no longer going to stand in my own way.
i will no longer give into temptation.
i am no longer going to believe that i will never lose weight, for this mentality causes me to give up, give in, and gain.

i am going to do everything i can do to get this weight off.

four weeks till the school year is over.
four weeks till i am back home.
four weeks to lose as much weight as possible.

i will no longer be the ugly fat girl.
i will no longer be the lazy, fat girl.

i will be glamorous.
i will be stylish.
i will be successful.
i will be envied.

I WILL BE THIN!

2, 4, 6, 8, diet starting tom.
my sisters bday is on sat.
there is not way i can even loose enough to be okay with being in any pics.
i am making a scavenger hunt all over campus for her.
wish i was skinny and pretty.
it would make the day so much better

2468 diet this week.
no excuses.
i have TONS of work to do before friday, and i start working again.
this will keep me busy and focused.
i will avoid the cafe like the plague.
no one can talk me into going.
i have not food in the room, and neither does my roomy. thank god.
i need to concentrate on work and this weekend.
it will all go by fast.
i hope i will not fail this time.
i am already so devastated with myself.

i am so tired of myself.
i make goals, just to break them.
why do i do this?

because i feel that i am a failure and will never amount to anything.
i feel that i will never succeed.
i will always be fat.
i will always be ugly.
and i accept this.

i even tell myself this.

food is the enemy.
friends are the enemy.

i am the enemy.

ugghhh. i feel like shit!
i did so good today until dinner. i ate a salad, and half a sandwich.
like that wasnt fatty enough, i then went and got frozen yogurt.
then ate two boxes (100 cal each) of raisins..
and a WHOLE box of raisin bran!
i want to kill myself right now.
i tried to throw it all up but nothing was coming up.
what the heck?!?!?!
i dont understand.

my stomach is FULL right now. i feel it.
i see it.
i dont understand my body.
i is used to holding food in my stomach. i can usually throw up up to like 4 hours later and still have everything come up easy.
and now, its not even coming up at all.

i am tired of being fat and ugly.
i am so ugly.
my double chin is back.
my arms look like a fat baby's arms when they are round and have lines where the hands are.
my legs are cottage cheese thigh, and are huge. i can never where shorts, they rub together and are HUGE.
but my legs are still small compared to my ENORMOUS stomach and waste.
my stomach is so wide from the side and front.
i hate my stomach. i am so fat.
i have the biggest love handles.
even my back is fat.

i cant wait for the day that there is not fat to grab.
that i am so thin, i am just a skeleton.
i want people who dont even know me to look at me and wonder if i ever eat.
that is where i want to be.

i want to be scared of food. I want to be afraid of the calories. I want to be terrrified of people watching me eat. I want to be so concerned and petrified of unwanted, unneccesary, unneeded calories, that bingeing and purging isnt even a question. Its an automatic NO. I want to get to the place where i just CANT allow myself to eat. I just cant. I want to get to the point where i forget what it feels like to be full. I forget how it feels to actually enjoy food. I want to just love being hungry. love being empty all the time. love being in constant control over my body, mind, money, and calories. control over my life.
when i was like this, i was not happy, but was more in control with my life than ever before. i was more pleased and relieved with what i saw in the mirror..more than i ever thought would happen. I got great results, and became addicted to the results. how great is that!?

i want that again.

i am starting the 2468 diet tomorrow.
i know that it will be really hard for me.
whenever i try to fast, i end up eating more than i normally would.

its a mindset thought.
it will be hard for me not to binge, but i am learning more and more what it means to have control, and that i want it.
i want it bad.

i will start 2,4,6,8 fast/diet tomorrow.
i dont want to put a limit on how long i should do this..
for if i do, i am afraid that i will quick to quickly.

i at least want to do it two cylces (8 days) and see how if goes
i will wiegh myself tomorrow and start it.
than i will work out everyday, drink tons of water, do the diet, and see how much i weigh after eight days.
i think the first two days will be hard, but than the last two wont be as bad.

we shall see. i will blog my progress and results.
i will write out EVERYTHING i eat.

night lovelies...
<3